The moderator of my work-at-home group asked everyone how we did in our most recent focus session, so I told her.

For those of you behind on this breaking news, everything sucks and it’s not my fault. Did I not warn you this girl would eventually manifest daddy issues? DID. I. NOT.

So I saw this coming, albeit not as an inside job. I was busy trying to protect the sweet little princess from the problematic toxic punk in Texas  and failed to monitor the creepy stepdad Mom brought straight through the front door. I made the mistake of assuming that our Midwestern values would become adopted into the Cove, and we’d avoid this unseemly raft of reality show behavior.

Actually, maybe this is my fault. I should have paid closer attention when the entirety of my grad school faculty told me to read and appreciate Lolita, which, all assured me, was hilarious and instructive. I smiled slightly at maybe one line and read the rest of it with a puke bucket.

“It’s about a disgusting pedophile who kidnaps and (very big expletive deleted) his pre-teen stepdaughter,” I pointed out, “and then blames her for the (original expletive repeated.)”

They’d shake their heads, my teachers, and point out to the naïve little Catholic girl I just didn’t get it, an educational moment of which I am still very proud. I don’t want to get… that.

Well, now Humbert Humbert has followed me to the Cincinnati Zoo, and we have further demonstrated that this city can have absolutely nothing nice at all, even a hero tween hippo and her baby brother. It’s all Rumpke’s Dump and it’s likely to remain so. No matter what we do, no matter how many Super Bowl mountains we climb or buildings we cast light upon, it all comes back to Jerry Springer and it always will. We were a city born of pigs in the streets, and we shall forevermore suffer mayors who pay for prostitutes with checks, no matter how often we re-plant the tulips on the riverbank. The legacy of pigs will always out, and coastal cities will never let us forget it. Because their poop has Broadway and Hollywood glitter in it, you rubes.

I am not sure how this miasma settled upon us–perhaps the red lights of Newport, once dissipated, had to drift to ground somewhere–but it’s seeped into the Reds office as well, and I can guarantee you that this news of Tucker’s perfidy, of casting his top-of-the head eyes beyond his wife and to his nubile stepdaughter once the old lady was done squatting out a healthy heir, was received with alarm on Joe Nuxhall Way. And I am telling you that this could work for us, fan fam.

With the Bengals teetering on the playoff bubble (and we all know what that means for the Reds) and now the worst possible kind of scandal emanating from what was once the purest acreage in Hamilton County, they are going to panic. A disgruntled and disgusted people is a we-aren’t-putting-up-with-your-crap people. With heads swinging and fingers pointing more and more at the front office– especially with Redsfest sagging its way onto the calendar– we could be working with some very productive fear here.

A Reds fan account on Twitter recently had the unironic audacity to ask what everyone’s favorite 2022 moment was, and when the overwhelming answer was “Our injured 39 year old first baseman starting his career as announcer a whole year early!” you have a problem. Your whole city has a problem.

And even the wholesome hippopotamus family down the street has turned against you.

Watch the trade deadline, and prepare some thank you notes for the Zoo.

20 Responses

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      I hate that it has to happen this way.
      But the Lord restores us in our brokenness through unexpected routes.

  1. Mark Moore

    First, how on earth did I miss the 2018 article???? 😮

    Second, I can only channel George Takei about sweet little Fiona’s antics and say “OH MY!!!”

    Hippos do rule and elephants do drool, though. That much is certain.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Now that he’s been thrown over in the worst possible way, Timothy might need the comfort of the herd.
      He’s probably regretting that slam right about now.

  2. Rednat

    at first we were disappointed with the Griffey era, then indifferent in the Votto era. now if this new “rays way” era flops I think reds fans will be disgusted and demanding the reds leave town!!!!

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Oh man I forgot this stretches all the way back to Griffey, who, last I heard, we are still paying.

  3. Oldtimer

    The Bengals have the same record this year after nine games as they did last year.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      We can hope it turns out the same way, but this year expectations are…different.
      Kind of like our ideas about Tucker.

  4. LDS

    I would say that I’m glad I don’t live in Cincy, but actually, I think I’m somewhere worse.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      There’s an awful lot of worse out there. Here, we just got a Sonic.

  5. Daytonnati

    “Don’t swim … don’t swim … don’t swim so close to me …”

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      You win for for first to notice the accidentally hilarious stock photo of hippopotamuses. Bonus points for the 80’s reference.

  6. Gonzo Reds

    This heinous act is completely legal in Missouri… Cardinal fans/hippos (not necessarily separate entities) disgust me…

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Ha! Now we know where to export all transgressing hippos.

  7. Jim Walker

    “Your whole city has a problem……” (inferring Cincinnati area)

    I was born in Mariemont because the public hospital in Wilmington was still under construction. I was raised in a household where “the city” meant Cincinnati. After a serious flirtation with the Indianapolis area in my mid 20’s (1970’s), I settled in Dayton which I came to feel was essentially an extension of the Cincinnati area along i75.

    For the last 20+ years, I have lived a mile from an interchange on i675 in the NE Dayton area. The drive to downtown Cincinnati or downtown Columbus consumes virtually the same amount of time (an hour give or take).

    What I am realizing is that except for my abiding interest in the Reds, Cincinnati is increasingly in my rearview mirror while Columbus looms ever larger in the view from my windshield.

    My sense, correct or not, is that central Ohio is reaching out to embrace the future while the TriState values simply a more modern version of the past.

    • Daytonnati

      Great observations, Jim. Columbus does have a boomtown feel to it. Have they fixed the (expletive deleted) 315 / I-71 exchange yet? It seems like it has been multiple Thanksgivings to the in-laws where it is been Exit lane roulette.

      I think being on the Ohio River and surrounded by the hills separates Cincinnati from Columbus and Indianapolis, which both have a new and shiny feel.

      • Jim Walker

        I am not sure about the 315/71 exchange because I take the 670 connector from 70 across to the 315 when I am going to the OSU campus or alternately, I get off of 70 out around New Rome/ Hilliard and take a cross country route from back in the days well before the 670 was built (for Cincy folks, the 670 is basically a 562/ Norwood Lateral of Columbus).

        Yes, I have always thought of Cincinnati as an “old” east coast type city while Cbus and Indy are more sprawling. I think C&I being state capital cities in the middle of their respective states is also is a factor in the attitudes there. They are in many ways a microcosm of the US, diverse melting pots. Folks from within and outside their state came there to be part of governing the state or to work in businesses from other states/ countries which opened their outposts in Columbus or Indy.

      • Mary Beth Ellis

        You know, when I was going back and forth A LOT between the two, I noticed there seemed to be less and less corn.

      • Mary Beth Ellis

        The hills are a good point. The world is different once you pass the Kings Island line. It just… is.

      • Jim Walker

        MB> The region along 71 at 35 (Jamestown/ the outlet mall) seems to be drawing a number of professional couples with one partner working in Dayton or northern Cincinnati/ Warren county and the other in the Columbus metro area.

        Honda has had a major machining plant in that area for over a decade (internal engine parts etc.) and recently announced their battery initiative was going in there.

        The Intel chip factories are being built on what was farmland in Licking county. In that same locale along OH route 161/16 the development is almost clear out to Newark (Licking county seat). The terrain east of Newark turns into rolling Appalachian foothills within a few miles; so, southward along i71 and west along 70 toward Springfield will probably be next up.