Dissatisfaction is so high with the MLB in general and the Reds in particular that I wonder if a complete reboot of the sport is necessary. In the sense that it’s not even the MLB. It’s a bunch of chicks. A bunch of chicks and no dudes and that is the extent of professional baseball.
We know this is possible in emergency situations (I’m operating on the assumption here that Madonna and Rosie O’Donnell would never lie to us.) But even players in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League played by mostly-softball rules until its final year in 1954, when the ladies played with the same official baseball the men did, pitching from the same distance (minus six inches.) Only the basepaths were shorter. Earlier teams pitched underhand using a 12-inch softball, but overhand throwing with an MLB baseball quickly followed.
So based on extremely limited data that also features Laverne from Laverne and Shirley, we know that women have the arm power to sling from the mound– but can we sling at 2021 speeds? Noted sage The Internet says that the fastest pitch ever thrown overhand by a softball player clocked in at 69 MPH; underhand throws are somewhere in the 70s and there’s a claim that the best softball pitchers can whirl in the 80s. That’s not Cuban Missile speeds, but it’s faster than I can do it (which, as we all know, is the ultimate and most important measure of anything.)
This suggestion of 80 MPH, however, comes from a female political scientist, and as a recovering female political scientist I can pretty much guarantee that no one knows less, aggregate, about baseball than political scientists. The same source claims that “we don’t know how good women are,” which makes zero sense to me, because…. do our uteri throw off the radar gun? Is there ovary interference? Why wouldn’t we know that?
I suppose Baseball Political Scientist explains this by adding that “(b)oys have been taught to throw hard from the time they’re five or six years old.” She seems to be suggesting that little girls are conditioned to not throw as much or as hard as little boys, which says to me that this woman has spent zero seconds on a Catholic school parking lot during recess. You don’t pick out Catholic women by our 17 children or nun’s habits; you look for the tell-tale hashmark scars of 12 years worth of foursquare balls hitting us directly in the face at the approximate speed of sound. The twenty minutes between the end of lunch and the beginning of reading group were The Hunger Games on blacktop.
The Interent also solemnly informs me that there is such a thing as the Women’s Baseball World Cup, with team rankings and everything, but the sponsoring agency of that merged with the International Softball Federation, so I don’t know what’s going on. The Internet doesn’t seem to know. I can confirm that the cover of the Women’s Baseball World Cup Hosting Manual features the words “Game Time!” in the following obnoxious woman-y Get In Shape, Girl! font:
Maybe this is why people think girls aren’t encouraged to throw as hard or as often as boys. It’s all controlled by Big Font.
Anyway, what do you think? Should we ladies take over for at least a couple of seasons? It might give Billy Hamilton some time to develop.