DUDES WITH THE PAINTED CHESTS AND HORSE HEADS: Since these dudes usually reserve their energies for football games, to see them at a baseball game marks a special kind of fancam chaser.

I don’t recall seeing Painted Chest Dude at Reds games, even during the NLCS or World Series, but Horse Head Guys… Puig brought out the Horse Head Guys. They were entertaining enough that I was hoping they’d stick around with different headgear for whichever player was in favor at the moment, but alas, the giant horse heads were later needed as COVID masks, and the world-changing movement was sadly thwarted.

WE’RE GETTING TO THE BALL PARK AS EARLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE KREWE: Look, I get it. I’ve risen before dawn just to see the sun come up over a bunch of rocks because I love these rocks. They smell nice. And so does the ball park. Baseball isn’t hockey. It’s not a year-round thing in which the next season starts two seconds after the champions drag themselves across the finish line. The moments between the baselines are precious and unattainable when we need them the most.

But the texts of the Day Before Krewe have got to look something like this:

“First pitch is 7:35. WE RIDE AT DAWN.”

“Dawn the day of, or dawn the day before the game?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. DAY BEFORE.”

Bless them, but I ain’t there. I rise only for my rocks and maybe a Sausage McMuffin.

I would have been a terrible posse member. WE RIDE AT A REASONABLE HOUR, POSSIBLY BETWEEN 10 AND 2. Sorry, sheriff.

GUY WHO KEEPS SCORE: I have no end of respect for this guy. There’s no date he’s talking to between pitches. There’s no phone checking. There are no glances at the beer vendor. There is naught but what makes the game for this guy. He’s the thin box score between the MLB and chaos.

Once, I tried to be this guy, albeit with a uterus, but you don’t give a person with a sequencing learning disability a baseball scorecard and expect things to end well. It lasted maybe half an inning, when I had to go to the bathroom, but no matter how fast I pulled my shorts up, all was lost within a single batter. I dedicated the rest of the game to being Wandering Around to Any Seat But The One She Paid For Chick.

BUSINESSMAN SPECIAL BROS: Khaki and shirts with collars that look terrified to be sweated in. Lots of yelling when the crowd indicates it is politic to do so. Ends most sentences with “brother.” Extensive knowledge of various forms of beer. Latter form of Painted Chest and Horse Head Dude. Much fantasy team fretting. Go (insert mid-tier college team mascot!!)

Who did I miss, baseball fans? Which are you?

6 Responses

  1. Rut

    I am Dad w kids in tow.

    So haggard look, kids wearing new Reds gear, kids carrying sodas and cotton candy, and kids dropping one or other and Dad gets more haggard.

    Constant trips to bathroom, have to go back with other kid as soon as sit down from taking the first.

    And when I sip my (crazy overpriced) beer, I sigh. And hope my kids don’t kick it over!

    (Dad w kids in tow is the next stage from guy who gets to travel up and go to 2 or 3 games per season, so at that point tried to soak up every last bit of “Cincy-ness” possible)

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Dad with Kids in Tow is one of my FAVORITE ball park people! Bless him! My poor dad was once this guy. I tried to emulate him by being Aunt With Nephews in Tow, and found that the bathroom situation is just as awkward in the reverse…. although the men’s line moves much, much faster.

  2. Mark Moore

    Love this cast of characters …

    I’m still planning to attend next week on the 23rd and 24th (despite the current tailspin). I’m the kind of guy who likes to experience different seats when I go. I’m also the kind of guy who takes advantage of some discounts, so I’m thinking of a seat in Section 117 or 118 on the 23rd and maybe the Moondeck on the 24th. Both can be purchased at a discount right now, leaving budget for other souvenirs.

    When I do a minor league game, I tend to get the best possible seat since they are rarely more then $20. Sitting as close as possible make me feel more a part of the whole thing.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Josh THe Pilot abhors awkward sun angles, so when I go with him there’s movement whether I like it or not. The ushers are usually pretty forgiving at GABP, fortunately 🙂

  3. Scott C

    No doubt about it, I am your “Guy who keeps Score.” If you got up to go to the bathroom during the seventh inning stretch you didn’t miss a beat, unless of course Wade Miley is pitching. To me this is the best part of watching baseball. It started when I was young listening to games on the radio, I would make my own scorecards a half hour before game time. I actually did Tom Seaver’s no hitter (at home), somehow I missed Tom Browning’s perfect game (I must have had somewhere else I had to be. I couldn’t believe it when I attended my first live game and was able to buy a preprinted glossy scorecard. In fact being the “Guy who keeps Score” the reason to bring a date was so she could get up and get the food and drinks.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Thanks for holding the line, Guy Who Keeps Score! You’re compensating for my massive failures.