DUDES WITH THE PAINTED CHESTS AND HORSE HEADS: Since these dudes usually reserve their energies for football games, to see them at a baseball game marks a special kind of fancam chaser.
I don’t recall seeing Painted Chest Dude at Reds games, even during the NLCS or World Series, but Horse Head Guys… Puig brought out the Horse Head Guys. They were entertaining enough that I was hoping they’d stick around with different headgear for whichever player was in favor at the moment, but alas, the giant horse heads were later needed as COVID masks, and the world-changing movement was sadly thwarted.
WE’RE GETTING TO THE BALL PARK AS EARLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE KREWE: Look, I get it. I’ve risen before dawn just to see the sun come up over a bunch of rocks because I love these rocks. They smell nice. And so does the ball park. Baseball isn’t hockey. It’s not a year-round thing in which the next season starts two seconds after the champions drag themselves across the finish line. The moments between the baselines are precious and unattainable when we need them the most.
But the texts of the Day Before Krewe have got to look something like this:
“First pitch is 7:35. WE RIDE AT DAWN.”
“Dawn the day of, or dawn the day before the game?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. DAY BEFORE.”
Bless them, but I ain’t there. I rise only for my rocks and maybe a Sausage McMuffin.
I would have been a terrible posse member. WE RIDE AT A REASONABLE HOUR, POSSIBLY BETWEEN 10 AND 2. Sorry, sheriff.
GUY WHO KEEPS SCORE: I have no end of respect for this guy. There’s no date he’s talking to between pitches. There’s no phone checking. There are no glances at the beer vendor. There is naught but what makes the game for this guy. He’s the thin box score between the MLB and chaos.
Once, I tried to be this guy, albeit with a uterus, but you don’t give a person with a sequencing learning disability a baseball scorecard and expect things to end well. It lasted maybe half an inning, when I had to go to the bathroom, but no matter how fast I pulled my shorts up, all was lost within a single batter. I dedicated the rest of the game to being Wandering Around to Any Seat But The One She Paid For Chick.
BUSINESSMAN SPECIAL BROS: Khaki and shirts with collars that look terrified to be sweated in. Lots of yelling when the crowd indicates it is politic to do so. Ends most sentences with “brother.” Extensive knowledge of various forms of beer. Latter form of Painted Chest and Horse Head Dude. Much fantasy team fretting. Go (insert mid-tier college team mascot!!)
Who did I miss, baseball fans? Which are you?