You’ve heard by now, no doubt, in these crucial and fateful times, that our zoo’s baby hippopotamus has been hit on by another zoo’s baby hippopotamus.
I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even know where to start with this. Yes I do. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll begin by putting my foot down. Our Fiona is too young to date. No boys until sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s five.
Even were she actually old enough to start tramping around every zoo with a hippo enclosure, I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know that IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d recommend this Timothy character. His comma use is execrable, heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s name dropping his big-deal into infinity, and heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s said nothing at all about how well Fiona swims or eats crocodiles or rams people. SheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s completely objectified, and he ends it all by slamming elephants, none of which, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m pretty sure, have done anything at all to him to warrant such hostility. Timothy is engaging in what scientists call status formation through bonding, or, as we one-Psych 101 graduates call it, Ã¢â‚¬Å“acting like a douche to others in an attempt to en-cool oneself in an attempt to get the chick.Ã¢â‚¬Â This may be expected from hippie man-bun wearing hippos from the moral wasteland that is California, and is precisely the type of shyster we should be on guard against. But we canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t protect our baby girl forever.
FionaÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s reply, appropriately, condemns Timothy to the friend zone. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a sensible response, quelling yet polite, but I consider this whole business a near miss. How much longer before she begins to develop daddy issues?
This has been a concern of mine ever since FionaÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s father, Henry, passed on. SheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a famous young lady without a father figure in her formative years, and unless we want to see her on the pole by the time sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s three, we need to get Fiona a stable family unit if only for the awesome tee shirts it will generate. We already have the likes of Timothy after her ice cream and beer. Now weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve got this new relative of Fiona and BibiÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s banging around Orlando, and who knows what kind of Florida Man lunacy this kid will send our way.
Mama Bibi is a tough broad who can certainly raise a celebrity on her own. She donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t need no man. But all things being equal, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s nice to have a dude around the cove.
It bears mentioning that the same week we were all going awwwww over the whole Timothy-Fiona courtship, the other side of the social media sword has been darkly glinting. Just a few days ago, the Internet found a reason to be hysterical over a primate in a zoo again. This should sound familiar, Tri-Staters.
We love Fiona because she was a surprise, an adorable, ramp-climbing, unifying surprise, without agenda and without demand. She was supposed to be born at a certain point and she wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t; she was supposed to die and she didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t.Ã‚Â The entire Harambe situation was a surprise as well, a bad one that forced the Cincinnati Zoo to shut down its social media feeds for a time. (Unless you live your life in memes. Then itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s the best gift since Rolling Baby.)
Having lived both types of surprise within a few monthsÃ¢â‚¬â€first the bad, then the goodÃ¢â‚¬â€the zoo staff permitted us to take ownership of Fiona because we demanded access to the miracle-generating hope she represents. I didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even particularly follow FionaÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s story in her infancy, but I wound up watching the live broadcast of her care staff singing Ã¢â‚¬Å“Happy BirthdayÃ¢â‚¬Â to her on her first birthday, sniffling throughout, because odds were great that she wouldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t see any birthdays at all.
If you think we Cincinnatians are dialed in on the love life of a hippopotamus still four years away from sexual maturity, you should meet ourÃ‚Â 149-year-old ball club, with whom we arise and slumber 162 games a year. And already in spring training we have seen surprisesÃ¢â‚¬â€the bad kind, the double-wounded pitcher kind. We donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know what weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll see next. In the vein of staring gratefully at Joey VottoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s side of the train, we can only hope it will involve party hats and giant cakes made of watermelon.