Now that spring training has begun and Joey Votto has congratulated himself on getting fatter,  we have all backed away from the ledge a bit and may now gear up for some Queen City-quality complaining.

I’m going to remind you here that first allowed our cherished right to begin the entire season to slip away, but now we’re shoving off the distinction of throwing a parade because this year Opening Day falls at an inconvenient time for the hipsters who semi-frequent the organic bike tire shops at Findlay Market.

This is why Cincinnati cannot host the Olympics.

I’m sure you remember us trying to do this for the 2012 Summer Games, and frankly we would have done a better job of it than the eventual winner, London, which decided that what would truly capture the athletic ideals of the Games of the XXX Olympiad was the Spice Girls and a tribute to fashion. In a way, this was fitting, as much of the Olympics is about bitter disappointment anyhow.


The more I learn about how government actually works, the more terrified I am about the very idea of Cincinnati attempting to engineer something like this. We’re going to transport the entire world to various event sites and our 3.6 mile-loop streetcar gets angry and refuses to work in cold weather. (In the streetcar’s defense, however, so do I.)

Cincinnati is supposedly going to unite the world and we can’t even agree, as a city, how beer is supposed to be distributed (in six packs without getting out of your car vs. in an artisanal glass imported from Liechtenstein.)

But as the Opening Ceremonies would probably consist of a giant Split the Pot and cornhole in the west parking lot, along with a soy-fired food truck festival on the east, these are Opening Ceremonies I would actually attend.

There would be a gigantic controversy over the shape, artist, size, and funding over the Olympic Cauldron, but no matter what we came up with, it would still be better than Vancouver’s spectacularly bad Pile of Joints.


Frankly I expected better of Canada, as the 1988 Calgary Winter Games were the best ever staged, but then I remembered that Canada also contains Quebec, and then this made more sense.

But at the end of everything we’d warily hug and present a united front, for, in the end, we are all we have. That and a shared disgust for bridge closings which inconvenience us all.

There’s always Kentucky to blame.

8 Responses

  1. Scott Carter

    I was going to start out complaining that Cincinnati shouldn’t even think about trying to get the Olympics, let some other city take on the hassle and gridlock caused by all those outsiders descending on the Queen City. But then I began to think that Glenway Avenue coming down Price Hill would make a great Giant Slalom Course. I know that would inconvenience a lot of West Enders, but for two weeks I am sure they wouldn’t mind. That would be really exciting watching the skiers going down the hill and trying to avoid the parked cars. And it would give the city an opportunity to show off its fantastic cuisine. LaRosa’s Pizza and Skyline Chili. I am sure that just offering all the Olympians the opportunity to have all the free coney dogs and Pizza they can eat would give the award to Cincinnati.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      I wonder if the McDonald’s at Glenway and Crookshank would actually have its ice cream machine repaired for the occasion

  2. Eric

    Update: Still cold and gross in the Raleigh, NC area.

  3. Eric

    With apologies to the original Jamaican Bobsled Team, I actually thought Lillehammer ’94 was way-better than Calgary ’88. It just seemed to me that all the cheering fans with Norwegian flags wanted everyone to do well – a great atmosphere that transcended the very existence of Tonya Harding!

    Here’s to The Boys – get it together out there in Goodyear!

  4. Greg Gajus

    I agree with you about the 2012 Closing Ceremony, but wasn’t the Queen parachuting from a helicopter into the Opening Ceremony what the Olympic athletic ideals are all about? 🙂

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Oh yes, that’s why I was careful to limit the anger-venting to the Closings. That opening was the best arrival of a head of state in history, anywhere, anytime.

  5. Jim Walker

    I was partial to Vancouver (2010 Winter), probably because out travels took us through the city a year or two ahead of the games. The attitude and pride of the locals we met looking forward to being host to the world was infectious to the degree that I felt almost like a homie when the games came on my TV at back here in Ohio.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      I’ve only been to Toronto in Canada. I’ve heard there’s more of it.