-Season begins with a loss

-Wins creep in

-Winning intensifies

-People have no idea what is going on or why. Fears of war, rumors of war, and the lion lying down with the lamb appear

-40 year old Bronson Arroyo drags himself out of his Buick en route to the Early Bird Special to re-join the pitching rotation. It goes precisely as well as you might expect.


-Reds manager Bryan Price acts decisively to calm population:  No more winning!

-Starting pitchers are relegated to their proper role of pitching until the everybody runs out of baseballs since so many are leaving the stadium courtesy of the opposing team. Bullpen is only contacted when starter runs away and hides in the Bob Evans Reds Head Clubhouse


-Peace in the city restored

The Reds play the Giants in a West Coast extra-innings game that lasts approximately as long as Ken Burns’ entire Vietnam War documentary, and also the entire Vietnam War itself.

A bird shows up in the Reds broadcast booth. It is the most interesting thing to happen in a baseball facility containing the Reds in two months.


-Scooter Gennett hits four home runs in a single game, electrifying a home crowd and making the St. Louis Cardinals feel bad. It is the greatest night in the history of the organization.

-That last item was the highlight of the entire season. It’s June.


-Joey Votto dresses up as a donkey to encourage votes for Zack Cozart. It is the greatest night in the history of the organization.

-Pitcher Homer Bailey returns to the starting rotation. Everyone is thrilled until they aren’t.


-Cozart and Votto appear in the All Star Game. Cozart has to answer questions about donkeys for four days. Votto is named Teammate Troll of the Century.

-The Reds turn a triple play involving former team member Todd Frazier. A run scores because of course it does.





-The Reds are mathematically eliminated from the postseason and bear down to begin working on stocking up losses for next year.


-The Cardinals are also mathematically eliminated from the postseason. It is the greatest night in the history of the organization.

-I got a bobblehead during a GAPB giveaway and Tony Perez’s head is stuck and won’t bobble. Also “Reds” is misspelled. This seems appropriate somehow.


-Your Cincinnati Reds have a  1.000 winning percentage in the month of October for the 2017 season.

-No word on how the donkey is taking it.



26 Responses

  1. Jack

    Are you serious? They spelled Reds wrong? You have to post a picture. This article is priceless. Best one of the year.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Thanks for reading! I forgot how much actually did happen 🙂

  2. TR

    As the only team to ever lose 100 games in a season (2016) and make the playoffs the next year, I’m rooting for the Minnesota Twins.

    • sandman

      TR, I don’t care who wins the WS just as long as it’s not the Cubs again. I don’t think I could handle a world in which the stupid cubs are back-to-back WS champions. I hated to even type that.

      • Scott Carter

        Have to root for Cleveland. They have Bruce and Encarnacion.

      • NorMich Red

        Yeah, but it’s still Cleveland. Sam Wyche remains absolutely right. I’m rooting for an improbable Astros-Rockies WS. No team from CA, NY, or MA need apply.

  3. sandman

    Losing, losing, losing, losing, losing, losing…..Hey, guess what….I’m tired of the losing. Thank god the offseason is here. It gives me a break from the losing. I just had my 41st bday a couple days ago and mother nature gave me 6 little gray hairs as a crappy present…but I’m convinced that 1 or 2 of those gray hairs are from all the losing the reds did over the previous 6+ months.

    • Ken

      It took you until 41 to get gray hair? You’re fortunate, I’ve been there since 25.

      • sandman

        Ken, touche! I feel for you but it’s still humbling to get the gray.

    • sandman

      Tom, according to my wife, not for long. She says I’m getting a bald spot. I don’t believe her. I don’t care if the sun is bouncing off of my shiny head blinding everybody in a 10 mile radius, I’ll deny it to the grave, lol. But I’m not. I’ll keep you updated though.

  4. cfd3000

    The Reds were undefeated in October. Joey Votto was awesome. Tucker Barnhart, Eugenio Suarez and Zack Cozart had breakout years – they are professional baseball players and can play on my team any time (as long as Cozart’s knee and quad are healthy of course). Gennett, Duvall, Schebler and Hamilton all have real skills and will either contribute next year on the field or by bringing new (perhaps better?) players in trade. Jesse Winker showed that he should be part of the Next Red Machine and Nick Senzel is knocking louder and louder on the GABP door every month. The defense was good, the bullpen was not historically awful, and some sorting of the rotation actually started. I’m excited for 2018. Until then, the Reds swept October and it was the greatest game of the year. Go Reds!

  5. Scott Carter

    Enjoyed your articles all year Mary Beth. A good refuge during all the losing.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Many thanks! I’m sticking around for the off season.
      Lucky you.

      • Mary Beth Ellis

        I’m afraid you’re stuck with me each and every Monday.

  6. J

    This summary suspiciously omits at least two or three sacrifice bunts by non-pitchers that didn’t result in zero runs. Anti-Price bias!

  7. HerpyDerp

    They went 15-14 in August, and this counts as losing?

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      The 2017 Reds made not-losing actually losing.

  8. Abdul

    Great article and not afraid to “tell it like it is.” The Red’s are lousy.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Bad baseball is always better than no baseball.
      I think.

  9. kmartin

    It is 152 days until March 29, 2018. Start the countdown.

  10. Mike Adams

    Thanks for your articles this season, Mary Beth.
    On this one, you could have ended every month, “Some Reds players went on the disabled list”.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      You are very welcome.
      I think I blanked out the DL part.

  11. Mary Beth Ellis

    So many points! Thanks 🙂