Regularly Scheduled Rain Delay: Which Joey are You?

Joey Votto is perhaps the greatest Red in the history of all Reds. You may want to say Joe Morgan or Pete Rose or Johnny Bench or Barry Larkin, but you would be wrong because none of them are Joey Votto. Not only is Joey Votto just a step below the great Ted Williams (RIP two times on base streak), but also he has the best sense of humor of any baseballer I’ve ever seen.

I love my Reds for their on-field heroics AND their personality.

Anyway, this week, every possible side of Joey Votto has been on display. There’s the world-beating greatness (tying Barry Bonds), the transcendence (doubling against a four man outfield), the quirks (throwing a foul ball out of the stadium) and the downright savagery. (This actually hasn’t been on display this week, but it’s there. It’s always there.)

With all the praise and the plaudits that Joey’s been getting, I figured it was as good a time as any to walk back down memory lane and find out which side of Joey Votto you most embody. Bask in his grandeur and be thankful he’s a Red until the end of time.

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE

Quick rules since it’s been awhile:

• Five questions, each answer with an assigned point value
• Add up your points to get your conclusion, located at the bottom of this piece
• Pretend this is a third rule because threes look better

[some sort of snappy interlude] Alright and now to the quiz!

Question 1: Who is your non-Joey Votto favorite Red of the past five years?

• Jay Bruce (1 point)
• Brandon Phillips (2 points)
• Shin Soo Choo (Tokki 1) (3 points)
• Johnny Cueto (4 points)

Question 2: If you have fielded a foul ball, what do you do with it?

• Throw it out of the stadium (1 point)
• Fake out a Phillies fan heckling you (2 points)
• Give it to a kid (3 points)
• Pretend like it was never foul and proceed with the play as necessary (4 points)

Joey won't rest until he sends one into orbit. 🌗🛰 pic.twitter.com/dmHLEymZ1G

— Cincinnati Reds (@Reds) August 16, 2017

Question 3: Would you rather….

• Play in the Little League World Series (1 point) 
• Get heckled by Joey Votto (2 points)
• Throw batting practice to Giancarlo Stanton (3 points)
• Be the batboy on the foul line who makes an incredible catch over a Reds player (4 points)

Joey Votto laying an absolutel savage verbal beatdown on some heckling fans 😂🤣 pic.twitter.com/7Boqe4la7d

— Baseball Swagâ„¢ (@Baseballswag_) May 24, 2017

Question 4: You get a call in the middle of Game of Thrones a la Tyler Clippard (or your own favorite show, which is presumably still Game of Thrones). What is the minimum def con level needed for you to pick?

• You always pick up the phone, it could be your mother calling (1 point)
• Unless someone’s in the hospital, I let it ring (2 points)
• Isn’t this is what texting was invented for? (3 points)
• A friend calls about free food and honestly free food tops all else (4 points)

Question 5: Which T-Pain doing a slightly weird thing is the best T-Pain doing a slightly weird thing?

• NPR Tiny Desk concert (1 point)
• Pitchfork Over/Under (2 points)
• The Ringer Table Reads (3 points)
• Waze using T-Pain’s voice for its navigation system (4 points)

KANGAROO COURT FEES

There is nothing more entertaining than a position player pitching, and Scooter Gennett surely lived up to the billing with his appearance earlier this week. If the appearance itself weren’t enough, his stubborn insistence that his fastball topped 90 and that the radar gun readings in the mid-60s were “fake news” made it all the better.

However, I must fine Scooter this week because he failed to cross the one position player pitching benchmark that is held dear: Do better than Adam Dunn.

If you recall, Dunn threw one inning of one-run baseball back in 2014. His line: 1.0 IP, 2 H, 1 ER, 1 BB, 59 ERA+. It’s that ERA+ number that’s important because it’s been the most normalized to show how well Dunn pitched, which is to say, not well at all.

Scooter’s line from the other night: 1 IP, 2 H, 2 ER, 1 HR, 1 BB, 1 HBP, 33 ERA+.

The Dunner wins another one, and no matter his insistence, Scooter will be fined.

Fine: Scooter must publicly renounce his folk legend status and return it to its rightful owner: Joey Votto.

SCOUTING REPORT

Fantasy Baseball — The trade deadline is tomorrow and I still have Travis Shaw, Whit Merrifield, and Chris Taylor on my team, I have not been built for success.

Authorial Views — I was so focused on Jason Linden and Doug Gray that Matt Wilkes came out of nowhere. This season will be a race to the finish — who will claim the fifth spot?

Choose Your Own Adventure answers:

5-8 points: You’re transcendent Joey. You know what needs to be done and you know that you’re the best at it. You’re wholesome and caring, but ruthless when you need to be. You choke up in slow-pitch softball. You have the highest average on the team because of that.

9-12 points: You’re savage Joey. You’re sense of humor is best described as dark and that’s an insult to the dark. Children irk you and dogs are infinitely worse than cats. You wish Bryan Price would let you pitch because beanballs need to be brought back.

13-16 points: You’re good guy Joey. You know you’re not the best, but you’re pretty darn good regardless. You like to have some fun, but only to amuse others. You’re like Jim from the Office. I’ve never actually seen the Office, but that sounds right.

17-20 points: You’re goofy Joey. You buy people donkeys for their birthday. You always try to balance a baseball bat on your head for some reason. The most common phrase you hear is “Honestly, what ARE you doing?”