Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine.


1) Soul searching

“Have we honored Pete Rose enough? I mean really, really honored him? Have we sacrificed animals at the intersection of Mehring Way and Main? Do you think we can get Perez in for that? How can we tie this in as a promotional giveaway?”

2) Haiku

What time is the game?

Oh, Arroyo is starting?

Well, never mind then.

3) Pet baby goats

They will only eat your hair a little.

4) Plan for the Future

Statistics inform us that the Reds will, at some point, win again. The most productive channel for your furor as you wait is to lash out at others. Find all other teams with better records than the Reds—I can offer my nephew’s collection of rising second-graders—and begin a trash-talking campaign for the ages. You will look like an idiot. You will therefore fit in with every person calling in to sports talk radio ever.

5) Crafting

Sometimes rage is best shared.

6) Learn a New Skill

Last month I learned how to tip from an arm balance to a headstand in yoga. This will doubtless save many lives and mend the wounds of nations at war. I doubt you can best it. But you can try.

As you go, always remember to celebrate your accomplishments.

7) Soothing music

I once sent this link to a friend who was flying from Ohio to Australia. I figured this would get him at least as far as Fiji. At any rate, it surely guaranteed him a row to himself.

Set your audio devices to “auto reply” so that it rests after the ten hours. It’s less painful than watching the first inning of just about any starter at any time.

8) Prayer

First, you need to become Catholic. This will take at least a year in order to figure out Mass parking patterns alone, but it’s worth it: Not only do Catholics have the best German sausage offerings and casual gambling options, we have prayers for anything, anytime, anywhere.

I suggest Prayer When In a Bad Mood.

9) Food Prep

I don’t like to cook nearly as much as I enjoy baking, and sometimes, I think, this expresses itself subconsciously, like the time I set a pot to boil water and walked away and then eventually wondered how the water was doing, which was a bad time to realize I forgot to add the water.

Eating well is a gift to your body and mind. If you can withstand nine innings of the 2017 Reds, you can master this.

10) Learn to Hate Every Single Person Alive

The fastest route to this is to open Twitter and scroll for about eleven seconds. My handle is @blondechampagne. See you there!

11) Drink Heavily

It’s important to remain hydrated while losing. Alcohol, however, should be avoided, as it costs $11.00 a pop at Great American Ball Park and you will need that money for bail while accomplishing Item Number 4.

My caffeine of choice is hot tea. It’s low-cal, it’s flavorful, it makes you look smart while holding it, and it makes for good flinging.

18 Responses

  1. Eric

    I can’t think of a single argument against any of these – particularly the Haiku.

  2. NorMich Red

    Roving Coach Bronson,
    Stop the collateral damage,
    Loved your fun Haiku!

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      If only he were actually Coach Bronson…

  3. Chuck Schick

    The guitar player
    Destroyed by banjo hitters
    A daisy cutter to my

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      One line too many, but props for the sentiment.

  4. Phil Gasson

    Signing 40 year old, sored arm pitchers and honoring dis-honered cheaters is the owners way of filling seats. I got a better idea:


  5. another bob from nc

    “Statistics inform us that the Reds will, at some point, win again.” Just goes to show that, if you torture statistics enough, they’ll tell you anything.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      It’s rare, but every now and then math is indeed my friend.

  6. da bear

    reds 2017 were better than most of us ever imagined. what if mgmt tried this year by plugging in starting pitchers with potential to do well, rather than retreads with little potential of success.

    2018 and 2019 will be more challenging, the Cubs and Cards will reload and be better than this year. Brewers might improve. The Reds might be overall better next year (might….because Joey will decline due to age, who knows if Cozart’s successor will hit as well as this 2017 version (probably not), Duvall or Schebler not likely to improve upon their April/May 2017 – all of which will offset the obvious lift in the starting staff) and be further out of the running.

    RIP 2017 Reds. You had a chance, until mgmt crushed your hopes and dreams. Thanks Price Williams Jocketty & Company.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      I was so enjoying the way Price was deploying the bullpen at the beginning of the season, when they were, coincidentally enough, winning. I hate that he reversed course on that.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Well it was fun while it lasted.

  7. Mary Beth Ellis

    Oh, I can’t encourage haters of singles. I used to be one. It had its charms, but I prefer a life of spousal health insurance.

  8. Mary Beth Ellis

    Man, I hope not. That took me approximately as long to write as it does to read.

  9. Mary Beth Ellis

    Thanks! I take full credit for the giant one-game winning streak.