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There’s been a lot of Billy Hamilton news out of the Reds camp the past few days. First, the Bengals drafted speedster John Ross, prompting a Cincinnati newscaster to make this video:

Then, Hamilton became the fourth-fastest player to 200 steals with his swiped bag on Thursday, trailing only Vince Coleman, Tim Raines, and Ricky Henderson.

AND THEN, Hamilton challenged Ross to a race, setting the distance at 40 yards and the prize money aside for charity. Billy the Kid is certainly up to his normal speedster ways, but it seems as if he’s put them into overdrive.

For our segment this week then, we’re going to do another Choose Your own Adventure to determine: Who is the fastest Red you could beat in a race?


Okay, you guys know the drill by now, but if for some reason you’ve forgotten, you have:

  • Five questions
  • Each answer worth a set number of points
  • Results based on point totals at the very bottom of the article.

Easy peasy, nothing to it.

Question 1: Cody Reed being sent to AAA means…?

  • He’s stretching out his arm so he can start in the Majors soon! (1 point)
  • Just working through some mechanic issues (2 points)
  • Austin Brice is the future of the Reds (3 points)
  • The rebuild is a failure and if we had only signed Johnny Cueto…. (4 points)

Question 2: How many round of the NFL Draft did you watch?

  • Just the first round (1 point)
  • All seven rounds with multiple analysts breaking it down (2 points)
  • Anytime the Bengals came on (3 points)
  • Just the last round, I wanted to see who was Mr. Irrelevant (4 points)

Question 3: Go to Netflix show?

  • Chef’s Table (1 point)
  • Breaking Bad (2 points)
  • It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (3 points)
  • Honestly, HBO has better programming (4 points)

Question 4: Hypothetically, let’s say that Zack Cozart and Aaron Judge pull some sort of Freaky Friday stunt and switch bodies so that Aaron Judge has to play short stop thinking that he’s still a 6’7″ behemoth but really he’s in a scrappy Cozart body and Zack Cozart plays the outfield like the second coming of Brett Gardner but looks like the second coming of Andre the Giant. Would you rather…?

  • Have Zack Cozart in Aaron Judge’s body play short for the Reds (1 point)
  • Aaron Judge in Zack Cozart’s body play short for the Reds (2 points)
  • Zack Cozart in Aaron Judge’s body play outfield for the Reds (3 points)
  • Or Zack Cozart in Aaron Judge’s body attempt to take a walk (4 points)

Question 5: Gift Ngoepe made his Major League debut this week as the first African-born player to reach this level of play. Watching this video, what do you feel?

  • Pure joy because this is what baseball is all about (1 point)
  • I’m not crying, you’re crying. Who’s cutting the onion? (2 points)
  • Francisco Cervelli is still in the league? (3 points)
  • Is he really named Gift? That’s an incredible name. Also, did that guy misspell MLB? It’s three letters how do you do that? (4 points)


Of all the base coaches the Reds have had over the years, Billy Hatcher has been my favorite. Which is not to take away from Mark Berry who is the only other base coach I can remember the name of at the moment, it just means that Billy Hatcher has done his job for the Reds to such an exceptional degree that I am now a fan with a favorite base coach.

That said, it brings me so much pain to have to bring Hatcher before the Kangaroo Court this week. I really, really wanted to fine anyone else, but when the boss man says that Hatcher deserves a fine, then he must deserve a fine.


Offense: Hatcher turned his back to his charge (Eugenio Suarez) after a walk loaded the bases. Yadier Molina, the savvy catcher that he is as much as that phrase hurts me, sneaked a bullet down the line to nab Suarez out at third. Bases loaded two outs went to inning over, Reds in the hole.

[mlbvideo id=”1333965483″ width=”400″ height=”224″ /]


Fine: This punishment is probably more sadistic than warranted, but as a result of his inattention, Hatcher must wear a Yadier Molina jersey in the dugout the next time the Reds play the Cardinals. After the game, Suarez must bequeath the jersey to Molina as a sign of respect. If he wants to tap Yadi’s shinguards at the same time though, I won’t stop him.


Fantasy Baseball: Narrowly eeked out a win last week, 531-525, despite forgetting to put Dallas Keuchel in the lineup for his 7.2 inning, 3 H, 9 K effort. The good guys are 2-2 though, sitting squarely at the intersection of potentially competing and selling everyone for prospects. Dynasty baseball is hard people.

Authorial Views: The day has come—I have been passed for sixth. And not just by one other enterprising writer, but by two, with Jim Walker sprinting ahead as well. But it’s a long season and I will not give up faith. Chad, I will catch you. Watch me do it.

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Choose Your Own Adventure answers:

4-7 points: Jose Peraza — You’re not going to beat Billy Hamilton (no one is going to beat Billy Hamilton), but you have wheels others respect. Also, you go for what you want, swinging away and stealing third.

8-11 points: Michael Lorenzen — You’re deceptively quick in that, no one expects you to even know how to run, but you can put distance between yourself and the third basemen pretty easily. No one’s going to ask you to steal a base per se, but you’ll give yourself the green light every once in a while.

12-15 points: Eugenio Suarez — Hold up, stay on the bag. Just because coach isn’t looking doesn’t mean you’re a speedster now. Yeah, you can outrun Devin Mesoraco but my turtle outran Devin Mesoraco the other day.

16-20 points: Devin Mesoraco — Oh buddy. Running just isn’t your thing. You grew up in a world that let catchers have automatic pinch runners so that they could put their gear on. You waddle just a little bit but that’s okay as long as you don’t try to race anyone. Please, please just leave John Ross alone.

One Response

  1. cfd3000

    Hamilton is definitely faster than Ross based on those videos. They didn’t even mention that Billy slows down to slide into home while Ross runs through 30 yards on the way to 40. No contest.

    Also, fine Hatcher and Suarez with the Molina jerseys. But also, new rule: every Cardinals game a different Red in the starting eight is randomly chosen to greet Molina at the plate with the bat to shin guards move. Every game. Make it happen!