Today’s titanic struggle is #3 of 4 against the Padres: The Quest to Keep the Other Team From Scoring in the Double Digits.
| REDS | PADRES |
| 1. Zack Cozart (SS) 2. Joey Votto (1B) 3. Brandon Phillips (2B) 4. Jay Bruce (RF) 5. Adam Duvall (LF) 6. Eugenio Suarez (3B) 7. Billy Hamilton (CF) 8. Ramon Cabrera (C) 9. Brandon Finnegan (P) |
1. Travis Jankowski (CF) 2. Wil Myers (1B) 3. Matt Kemp (RF) 4. Yangervis Solarte (3B) 5. Melvin Upton Jr. (LF) 6. Derek Norris (C) 7. Alexei Ramirez (SS) 8. Adam Rosales (2B) 9. Drew Pomeranz (P) |
BACK UP OFF ME, KROGER
Kroger’s latest ad campaign seems anxious to assure us that your neighborhood staff will welcome you with aggressive friendliness, possibly shrieking your name across the store and forming a victory tunnel for you and your cart as you make for the deli. I find this terrifying.
Kroger failed to check with one single Rogaine purchaser, warts sufferer, or of-childbearing-age woman when concocting this approach. There’s a reason why I immediately considered self-checkout lanes the best invention in the history of human interaction, an opinion I immediately revised the second I discovered that they summon an attendant to assist me when I so much as roll a grape across the scanner.
Here’s what I want from a grocery store:
- The ingredients of my pending Pinterest fail readily available in the baking aisle
- A health food section to walk through, allowing space to ponder how much weight I’m losing by standing next to the quinoa
- Wine aisle with deep and constant discounts
- Actually, a Free Wine Aisle would do it
Here’s what I don’t want from a grocery store:
- People greeting me by name as I dump an armload of Lady Time Products on the conveyor belt
So back up off me, Kroger. Why you all up in my grill? And Joe’s grill?
A disturbingly personalized Kroger: Naaaaaahhhhh
STARTING PITCHERS
| ERA | IP | SO | WHIP | NEEDS TO REVISIT HIS FACIAL HAIR CHOICES? | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Drew Pomeranz | 3.00 | 81.0 | 96 | 1.17 | No. Marge approves. |
| Brandon Finnegan | 3.81 | 87.1 | 59 | 1.33 | Please. |
A THING FROM TWITTER
Grown men should never wear bibs unless sitting down in a Skyline while wearing a tuxedo. Or, apparently, standing in his OWN BATHROOM with a sink FOUR INCHES AWAY.
Tired of cleaning up after trimming?
Try the Beard Bib by https://t.co/YouZegOeZr#BeardBib #BeardKing #SharkTank pic.twitter.com/0sK0LhErjq
— BEARD KING ® (@beardking) January 27, 2016
CONCLUDING THOUGHT
The fact that this product still exists in America and hasn’t been hurled into the hellfires of Things That Will Ruin Children Forever gives me hope for the future.
